Perhaps it has crossed your mind once or twice to just throw a sucker punch at that difficult person in your life – you won’t be alone. After all, it’s their fault, isn’t it? They are the difficult one, and getting them out for the equation should solve the problem. Not so fast. When dealing with difficult people, a good place to start is to recognize that you may not be able to “fix” them – even if you have a world-class left hook.
Unfortunately, many of us approach this problem thinking that since the other person is the difficult one, they represent the whole equation. This cannot be farther from the truth. In fact, it is an approach that often leads to disappointment and disillusionment. In my experience, it is often best to acknowledge that in the relationship equation, there are always two variables – you, and the other person.
If you are going to attempt to balance the equation out to diffuse tension and conflict in your professional and personal relationships, it is best to start with the variable that you have the most control over, and that is you. Starting with you puts the possibility of success at 50% which is a much better place to start than at 0%. Any real and lasting change in the difficult person’s output will have to come from them owning their side of the equation.
Conventional wisdom would suggest that if you are weak from hunger and find yourself in a fruit orchard, you go first for the low hanging fruit. After your hunger is satisfied and you have gained some strength, then you can think of climbing the tree and getting more fruit. Well, guess what? You are that low hanging fruit. You have access to you – your perception, your reality and your attitude, all of which are within reach of your control.
As a “sometimes, introvert”, I struggled with the lack of courage to confront difficult people and situations early in my professional life, neglecting to take care of my side of the equation. I loved my peace, and would do anything to keep it that way, even if it meant “sweeping it under the rug.” This resulted in many of my professional relationships not going past the superficial stage – perhaps you can relate. As I got more involved in leadership positions, I realized this was not going to work. So I immersed myself in what I call self-discovery. I was fortunate to have a mentor and someone who saw something in me and decided to invest his energy and time in developing me professionally. Over the years, I have learned to successfully navigate these challenges, initiate and engage difficult situations, and still have healthy working relationships.
I was teaching a seminar called “Dealing with Difficult People” and was trying to bring home the point that regardless of the level of difficulty a person presents in your relationship, you always have to start by looking at yourself. I always start this particular seminar by asking everyone to write down these words: “I am 100% responsible for my space.”
I am 100% responsible for my space
One of the participants who I came to find out was involved in a very toxic professional relationship at his job, was not willing to subscribe to this line of thinking. He interpreted my comments to mean that I was suggesting that the blame be cast on self while totally releasing the other person from any responsibility. In other words, I was pointing the finger at him and saying that it was “his fault” that there was tension in his relationship.
It became obvious quickly that if I continued down the line of reasoning I was presenting, I would not make any headway with him. As a trained professional I knew I had to change my approach. I asked him what the name of the seminar was, and he replied, “Dealing with Difficult People!” I responded, “great, who is doing the dealing?” At this point his eyes grew real wide and he said, “I am, I am doing the dealing.” You could see the light bulb come on in his head. He finally was able to connect with what I was saying.
One of my favorite quotes on this idea of owning your side of the equation is attributed to Jimmy Dean: “I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.”
“I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.” – Jimmy Dean
Here are 4 hard truths you may have to contend with when dealing with difficult people:
- They may not know that they are perceived by others, or by you as being difficult.
- They may want to change their behavior but not know how, or where to start.
- They may not have a desire to change because they are comfortable, or set in their ways.
- They may believe that they do not have the capacity to change.
While these truths are often overlooked, they eventually show up and leave many people scratching their heads wondering what went wrong. None of these truths present a challenge that is insurmountable. In all four of instances, the place to start is by having the conversation. My mantra to my coaching clients is this: Have the conversation. Have it early, have it often. Whether in life, or at work, if the goal is to have a successful relationship, you must have conversations that matter. No conversation, no relationship.
Have the conversation. Have it early, have it often. If the goal is to have a successful relationship, you must have conversations that matter. No conversation, no relationship.
Our Focused Engagement Process for Dealing with Difficult People course was developed to help individuals not only deal with the difficult people in their lives, but to engage in conversations that matter. Whether you lack the courage to initiate and engage in a difficult conversation, or just don’t know where to start, you can rest assured that this resource will help you map out a strategy to not only prepare for, but to have the conversation successfully.
Remember, it starts with owning your side of the equation. I would love to hear from you. How are you handling the difficult people and conversations in your life? What are you doing to own your side of the equation?